Tag Archive: perception


When Crackers Make You Cry

So, I’m sitting here angry at crackers. This is how you tell you’re way too stressed out for your own good.

I should be happy, for all intents and purposes. I’m going to see My Chemical Romance tonight, giving me an excuse to dress up, and the ticket wasn’t even on my tab– it was a gift. And yet, I almost started yelling at an inanimate object because it, though no fault of its own, kept breaking when I tried to eat it, getting crumbs all over my keyboard.

Thus, I decided to start blogging. All of that looks a hell of a lot more absurd in text than it does when I’m on the verge of tears because I seem to keep spilling everything, because I perceive my cat staring at me as I eat as her judging me (in reality the little fluff ball just wants the tuna I’m eating), and NOW the goddamn crackers won’t stay together long enough for me to eat them and finish my pathetic little fucking lunch of sadness and despair because I’m afraid to eat anything else because if my stomach is upset at the concert tonight, I will be in hell. I contemplated just not eating at all today. I have contemplated not eating all together, not just today, but for the rest of however long I can manage it, because I’m tired of feeling sick. I may be crying from hunger, but hey, done that before– and that way I won’t bloat up so much my pants hurt me! YAAAAAY!

See all of that? That makes perfect sense to me right now. You guys are probably scrambling to find my IP address so you can send someone after me to pick me up for the loony bin. And if they arrived, right now, I would invariably reason my way out of it with this fucked up logic of “Well, I just keep getting sick when I eat– I’LL JUST NOT EAT FOREVER” as though it’s possible. I am the person who whenever I cannot speak correctly and keep stumbling over my words, will physically hit myself in the head. I am not reasonable. I am not sensible. And in my fucked up world where the crackers are just crumbling all over my keyboard because the universe believes I’m too fat and shouldn’t eat anyway, it makes sense.

However, I have a solution. A sneaky secret plan that will work even against my own mind. I can never shut up when I’m upset. I just have to tell someone. So I’m telling all of you and doing it in print. Verbally, the words disappear. In print, I read back through this and go “Fucking hell. Calm down. Things are going to be fine. Vindictive crackers? Time to go watch some cute cats for a while or something, jeezus fuck.”

Suddenly, because I’m telling you, my stress level is dropping. Suddenly Ginger is just the fat little fluff ball that wants my tuna, not some horrible being going “WHY are you eating THAT?” Suddenly the crackers were just damaged in the bag, not pre-broken by some conspiracy to spite me. And suddenly, I’m just another person with a strange pseudo-IBS WTF that my doctors are trying to diagnose and my stomach is testy in the meantime, not someone who should just never ever eat again.

Suddenly, things make sense again, and the tears are of relief. If I can do this, I actually am finally getting better at all of this.

So you know what? It’s okay that I’m doing this instead of the paper due tomorrow right now. It’s okay I’m not going to get home until three– I have my report drafted out, it’s just a question of piecing things together before 12:30 P.M. tomorrow. This benefited me a fuck lot more than trying to work on that in this head state would have.

Now, I’m going to go dress up as a Killjoy, stop worrying, and pick out what crazy ass make-up I’m going to wear.

Suddenly, I’m Miss Punk Rock, star of stage and screen… And I’m never coming back.

I look back at where I’m from,
Look at the woman I’ve become,
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine…”

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STOP THE PRESSES. I have figured out why the fuck one of my housemates is so annoying. Wait for iiiiiit…

SHE THINKS NO ONE WOULD COMPLAIN ABOUT HER. EVER.

Now, you can bitch all you like “hurr durr, you shouldn’t talk behind people’s backs, it’s not nice!” but I know you do it anyway. It’s HEALTHY, people. Would it be better to just bottle all that negativity up and end up going into a sneaky hate spiral? No. No one should be screamed at over something as stupid as “YOU LEFT A CRUMB ON THE COUNTER,” or “YOU LEFT THE SPONGE IN THE SINK” when really what you’re so mad about is the fact that the curtains are gone, the paint’s peeling, the pot on the stove is boiling over and your apartment is NOT on fire. It’s not the crumb or sponge. It’s a number of things. But if you wig the fuck out because you’ve been “repressing everything in a deep dark twisted place until you snap and kill them” (thank you Christina) then they’ll just think you’re bonkers or a jackass that overreacts to insignificant stimuli. (And then most likely get worse…)

I found out about the flaws in this girl’s perception of reality thusly: She was standing there and bitching to me about our other housemate and then said “I feel bad for bitching about him now when I’m going to ask him to do something with me tonight.”

“Why?” I said. “Everyone complains about everyone. I’m sure you and he bitch about me, so why is it wrong to bitch about him? Repressing it does no one any good.”

This quickly launched into her looking acutely uncomfortable as soon as she realized that implicit in that statement meant I bitched about HER. Apparently, she could not wrap her little head around that one. She also quickly became cranky. No matter.

Here’s what’s so baffling to me: How can this be the case? Is this a larger trend? Am I to believe the media when they say my generation is a bunch of fucking entitled assholes that think they can do no wrong and offend no one? In response to this incident and a few others, I would say yes. That baffles the shit out of me.

Maybe it’s just the fact that I had PLENTY of opportunities to realize I’m a failure in some aspects of life, but I have trouble seeing how anyone can get to the age of 20 and honestly believe that no one would ever complain about them. That means to me they believe that no one should have any reason to be annoyed at anything they are doing. Suddenly, so much of her thoughtless behavior is explained– it is not that she thinks of no one else, it is that she hasn’t the idea in her head that she should think of anyone else, because in her world, no one should be bothered by anything she does! Ergo, she does not need to consider anyone else when she does something, because that implies that something she is doing might annoy or inconvenience someone.

My question to you all: How the fuck can anyone be this lost in self deception?

For her delusion up there to be true, she would have to live in a vacuum and have no one around to annoy. Something you do is going to irritate someone if you live with them long enough, even if it is something that is useful or positive. For example: I compulsively clean. And by clean I mean CLEAN. I mean, I will spend fifteen minutes cleaning spots off the mirror. An hour cleaning the shower. If that plate in the sink won’t come clean for anyone else, by Bahamut it will fucking come clean for me. Due to these fits of perfectionist mania I have, I have an insane standard of what clean is. Therefore, you can guess how well it works when someone else tries to clean for me as a nice surprise.

Now, think about this. Cleaning has to be done, so it’s good that I do it, yes? Yes. But it is annoying to clean something and have someone come right behind you and go “The spots, the SPOTS, they remain! OUT DAMN SPOT! OUT!” and start scrubbing furiously at whatever you just cleaned. It’s made even more annoying when they actually do quote Macbeth at you. Which I do. You may all now marvel at the fact I have not been shot yet, and please send your condolences to @DrHowl on twitter.

Okay, so, we’ve just established that something that can be positive can be quickly made annoying as fuck. You all know from life experience that more negative things can be annoying as fuck. I know for a fact she knows what it is to have someone do annoying things because she was complaining about what annoyed her about our other housemate. So how can she honestly believe that no one would complain about her, and then become upset when she realizes someone could and probably does? All while *she* is complaining about someone else?!

I have a theory. It has to do with the great evil of being politically correct. In being politically correct, one is to use euphemisms or otherwise hide whatever one actually means. If someone wraps up what they want to say in enough cotton candy, it won’t be so bad that they’re calling you a disgusting freak, apparently. Apparently it is much better to call you “a controversial individual of unique nature that is often in social conflict with peer behavior.” Yeah, because all of that doesn’t mean the same damned thing. Another great example of this type of lying can be found on resumes under job titles and duties. Suddenly a person that has a job cleaning pig styes is a “Animal Cleanliness Controller” and shoveling poo is “Waste management.” The point is, it is all LYING. If you have to conceal what you actually mean in any capacity, it is a type of deception. Worse, it is expected by society as the norm now.

People use this deception as a security blanket. They can say the most hateful things and pretend it’s not hateful. Suddenly it’s not “We don’t hire fags” it’s “we don’t hire anyone that makes risky lifestyle choices to ensure we have funding to help our employees when they are in need. Our apologies.” If you can take something that hateful and make it into something that is on the surface that benign, that even makes some logical sense (“Oh, well, they shouldn’t be extending health insurance to someone that is jumping off bridges or something for a hobby, it’d be expensive if they had to pay for them being hurt!” one might think, hearing that out of context and *not* directly after someone asks about your living arrangements and you have said “I live with my partner.”) then what limit is there to what you can do? What limit is there to what you can suddenly make inoffensive? Suddenly it is not that you leave your clothes lying all over the floor because you’re a lazy asshole, it is that your “creative mind has difficulty grasping inorganic systems of organization.” Oh, so it’s not your fault that you just take off your clothes and throw them on the floor, suddenly it’s because you have an organizational disability. Right.

I understand the PC bullshit that is supposed to be polite because HEY, chances are if you’ve put on some weight since high school (like everyone has) you know it. You don’t need someone coming up and going “Wow, you got fat.” No. You don’t comment on the fact their ass has grown by three sizes, you say “Oh, your hair looks lovely!” That implies some forethought about the other person’s feelings. You recognize that they probably know they’re bigger than they used to be. No one needs to tell them. It’s a form of deception in the fact you filtered what you said, but it is not the PC malarkey I listed above. If it was, what would have been said instead was “I see you don’t have to shop in the mediums anymore! You always used to complain everything was picked over. I bet you have your choice of anything you want, now! Awesome.”

Point is, people have tricked themselves into honestly believing that if they’re not outright calling someone a lard-ass or outright breaking your dishes purposely they’re not being offensive and no one has anything they can complain about. They’re always considerate– except when someone else should be considerate of their inability to grasp what a hamper is. It’s all about the diffusion of blame onto other people for not accepting your short comings. YOU can’t help what’s wrong with you– but everyone else just needs to learn to stop being so lazy and pick up their clothes. And the very idea that someone would complain about what you can’t change– my god. They’re such horrible people! You’re a victim, you’re coping with your organizational learning disability as best you can!

All this taken into consideration, I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that my roommate cannot grasp why anyone would dislike her or complain about her. After all, I’m just a meanie-face for implying that she’s somehow not perfect just how she is. I really should just learn to accept the fact she is, in fact, just exceptionally gifted at alternative means of anger channeling and conflict management that can hold multiple differing opinions at the same time. It’s everyone else that’s a sulking, passive aggressive hypocrite.

Silly me.

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Small Note: The post published just prior to this has been moved to private visibility. It only provoked silence, which is really not what I’d like to have here. Apologies to anyone that wanted it kept up. I just didn’t see the point.

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