Tag Archive: friends


The Limits of Kindness

Okay, I know you’d never frigging guess it from some of the ranting I do here, but I do try to be nice and help people out when I can. I do. But damnit people, I do have limits.

All right. I helped out a friend with her journalism project once, doing an interview for her. APPARENTLY you cannot do interviews over the internet or, really, even the bloody phone. And then, even when the first damn interview is done, you get harassed again for a follow up interview. Each of these take about an hour. And have to be in person.

I work two jobs. I’m on spring break now, but I have work every single damn day and I have projects to do for school. I’m being bothered again for another project and another interview. I’m tired when I get home, and I have chores to do so that I can, you know, have clean clothes to wear and food to eat. Then I have projects I have to do for my own classes. My point is, while I could go and try to find the hour in the day, it is possible, I really don’t feel like being probed again. I need that time to hunt for another job for the summer (one of my two jobs only occurs while school is in session) or just to finally have some time to myself. I’ve been nursing some form of a cold or flu for the past damn week. I don’t want to have to get up and drag myself to campus or wherever she wants to meet and then play twenty questions.

I’m writing because I feel guilty, I suppose. I’m that person that actually answers the grad students that need surveys for their projects in the psych department e-mails. I know people don’t respond and it screws these grad students– and I know that no one wants to be interviewed, and that there is, of course, the possibility that I’m this friend’s last hope.

The thing is, there ARE other people she can interview. I’m not the only college student in existence. And furthermore, what the hell did she do before I gave her that first interview? She should go back to those sources. For the last interview I gave her, it was on how little time I have due to school and my jobs. She cannot exactly claim that she figured I “wasn’t doing anything.” And then, on top of that, the last time I was interviewed, the “follow up” questions hinted toward her writing taking a slant that I did not appreciate, even if her professor is the only person reading her work in this case. It also doesn’t help matters that this project is another one on the subject of my finances, and frankly I feel very uncomfortable discussing my finances in any more detail with her. She went into some very personal detail last time. Mayhap it is because she goes into such uncomfortable detail she’s having problem finding subjects, but that is not my problem.

It’s a relief to write that. It isn’t my problem. My projects, my work, my health, those are my problems, not saving her academic ass.

What does it say about the strange wiring of my brain that I had to reason through this this way to relieve my guilt for something that was never my problem in the first place?

P.S. If you want to interview someone about their pets, it helps if you bother to remember their pet’s name and sex correctly. It just seems like a common courtesy to me. Especially when my cat’s name is Ginger and you decided she is male and named Chester. Otherwise, I might just feel that you’re using me.

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The first is mentioned because it’s what I’ll be rambling about, the second is mentioned because it is part of the reason why I’m up at 6:35 AM writing a freaking blog because I can’t sleep. Yay having a sensitive stomach, eh?

So, here I am, on a highly uncomfortable couch in a friend’s apartment because I’m maid of honor in her wedding and we’re going to a wedding show today. This lovely friend lives with two other girls, another one that is getting married soon as well, and another that doesn’t believe in marriage. As she put it “I’m just going to have fuck buddies the rest of my life. *Shrug*”

Got me to thinking. What is all this hoopla surrounding marriage?

I mean, I get that for a lot of women it’s the one day that they get to flip shit and do whatever they want, and if that includes being brought in on a white sleigh with horses and snow in June, they will freaking do it, never mind how much debt it puts them in. There’s a fair lot of folk out there that say “I have the wedding planned, now I just need the groom” or, worse “I just want to have a wedding!” My friend isn’t like this, thank god, but does this depress anyone else?

I mean, I realize I have a unique perspective: Where I live, I’m not allowed to get married, because two sets of boobies in a relationship is just too much for the Midwest to handle. In my own personal journey of why I should give a fuck about being ABLE to marry my dear girl I’ve discovered a awful big pros to being able to:

1. If I’m knocked the fuck out on a hospital bed, my medical proxy defaults to her, not my parents. Big plus.
2. If either of us get a call of “OHFUCKSHITWENTBAD” and rush to the hospital, neither of us can be shut out under the “family only” bullshit. We’ve discussed this, being the morbid folk we are: If we’re dying, we want the other one there. Period. Sadly, without a(n) (honored) marriage certificate, if they really wanted to, they could shut me out. I can’t deal with that.
3. Suddenly, insurance becomes a lot easier. MANY things become a lot easier, actually.
4. It has the added societal bonus of “It doesn’t matter if you or your church recognize my commitment or who I am– the legal system does. Blow me.”

The first two are the main ones, but the third and forth are awful nice all on their own. Especially that last one.

Here’s what baffles me: A lot of straight folks seem to take this for granted. It’s all about the wedding. The marriage doesn’t factor in. For me, the wedding is just an excuse to have a huge-ass party with all my friends and get to wear over the top clothes I WISH I could wear on a day to day basis. It’s not the main event, and it’s CERTAINLY not worth getting my ass in debt for. I have school for that.

I’m not one of those girls that has been planning my wedding since I was three, and there’s only so much hemming and hawing over place settings I can take before I go “THEY’RE FUCKING NAPKINS, JUST PICK A FUCKING COLOR!”

In the process of helping my friend get ready for hers, I’m realizing just how much that above fact sets me apart from a lot of people. I originally was going to say “sets me apart from a lot of girls” but that implies I belong to that group in some way, which I really… don’t. I sure as hell don’t describe myself as transgender in the sense that I identify as the opposite gender from my sex, but I really don’t identify with that whole…. “girl” thing. Or that whole “boy” thing. Love of make-up and clothes keeps me from identifying as wholly masculine, and love of a being a force “as loud as God’s revolver and twice as shiny” and some of my distinct lackings in femininity keep me from identifying as feminine.

I never realized quite how much that matters until I was in the middle of a group of traditional *girls* that to my knowledge, have no gender conflicts, giggling and squealing over wedding things. There’s just something in the *way* they behave that is distinctly alien to me. I haven’t been that way since high school and… sometimes I miss it. I wish for it now so I could be squealing along with them the way normal girls seem to. I really, really don’t want to fail the wonderful woman that made me her maid of honor. I don’t want to make her feel like I don’t care. It’s just that honestly… something in my brain doesn’t understand how you can pour over things like dresses and colors for so long without a break. I know some of it is that it’s *your* wedding, not mine, but… the traditional floof and tittering is really just lost on my dumb ass that doesn’t understand when my girlfriend facepalms because I eat my ramen out of the pot I cook it in because in my heathen mind, bowls are unnecessary. I mean, the pot is a bowl. It’s even warm! And has a convenient carrying handle! How cool is that?!

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